I thought I would share a little bit about me, my history and how it has changed me.
Eleven years ago, I married my current husband, Michael. (second marriage). When we started dating, I was passionately in Love with God.
**Side note: Two types of love: phileo and agape for those of you who are not familiar with the Most High God and an intimate relationship with Him.
At the time, I was also in the middle of a 3 year wait for finalizing a divorce with my first husband. God was beginning to work on my heart in forgiveness toward my to-be-ex-husband. We were beginning to become friends and work together more on sharing the kids, keeping them level in school and other family dynamics.
I was spending 4-5 days going to the World Prayer Center at New Life Church, Praying from 4-5am, watching the sun rise with my King and Lord. Such a precious time that was. Never, in being saved since I was 3 years old, did I ever experience such passionate affection for my God and King. I could plainly hear Him in my Spirit, smell the Spirit’s familiar scent of His presence and dialog with Him throughout the day.
But my flesh began to rise up..and the physical passion for Michael started to grow..and sin took over. I failed to fight temptation.
Now, no matter how intimate of a relationship you have with God, the enemy knows your weaknesses(usually fear and lust) and will use it to get his stinky foot in the door and try to destroy your relationship with God first..with sin. Then your family, your self esteem, your finances, your body and eventually kill you(His ultimate goal). It might be a tough battle, but the enemy never wins if you Love God, fyi.
Now, with that sin taking control, and being extremely co-dependent emotionally from years of childhood trauma, I bent and Michael and I decided to marry right away after the divorce was final. We could not bear to be without each other, and the passion was soothing to our hurting spirits, or so we thought. But there is always a price with sin. ALWAYS.
So what happens when you do something that God specifically says “NO” to? OMG..well, you better get ready for serious hardship. I went through an entire year of silence from God. That passionate connection, was lost. I read my bible, wept, prayed..and all the while, in the first year of our marriage, I was pregnant.
Michael had just been divorced too, but this was his second one..me being his third wife. Both previous wives left him. His first, was before he was saved. He had a son with her, and Michael gave up rights to Christopher. He’s now in his twenties, I think. (I pray for him often).
Now, Michael and I used a scripture for our own benefit. Everytime a friend rebuttaled our decision, we used it. It was a horrible way to use scripture to justify sin. And the heart ache that God felt, was, I’m sure, painful. Here is an interesting perspective on what 1 Corinthians 7:9 means. See here..
"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." 1 Cor. 7:9
It was a long road, 11 years we have made it now. Through cancer, an eating disorder, illness, separation 3 times, almost divorced several times, and other sins that have tested our marriage.
Michael is not the perfect model, no one really is, but I made a commitment and I don’t like things unfinished, ever! Call me a control freak..but I just don’t like backing out of a decision, even if it is the wrong one, for the wrong reason.
Our friends, mentors, counselors, and family have all shunned us for one time or another for decisions we have made. Those hurts are hard ones to get over. BUT, Michael and I do love God deeply, with all of our hearts, and even though we have floundered a lot, we are still together. Now, I’m not sure if it is because we are super stubborn individuals, or because we want it to work or because God says He always has a way, or all the above. Maybe it’s because our friends said it won’t work, and we are rebellious..not exactly sure. But I know this. GOD HATES DIVORCE. And I believe, that even though we still struggle, we ARE going to make it. Love is a choice, sometimes. And the loves that last, often are not fluttery feeling like when you first fall in “love”.
Nothing, worth having..is free, or easy. God gives us life, abundantly and FREE-ly. But!! There is a price..selflessness(hard as nails for a selfish human nature). This means, sometimes you have to do something you don’t understand. Sometimes, it means loosing all your friends because they don’t understand what is happening, or what you have been called to do, or they just lack faith that God is STILL on the throne and in control. (if you are one of these friends, prayer is often the only avenue you have to help someone who is making a “terrible” mistake)
Michael and I still fight..we still disagree, we still have serious emotional baggage to work through..but we are learning what TRUE friendship in marriage is. We are learning that there IS a way..even when we screw it all up! We are learning what acceptance is(working on that one now). We are learning we don’t have to agree, we don’t have to be right, we don’t have to be in control. Nope, it’s not His ULTIMATE will, what we did, but God always has a plan.
He likes to fix things..cause He knew, we’d screw things up..it’s in our nature.
And it’s in His nature, to fix it.